City Plans to Replace Water in Yoctangee Park with Ice Cold Mountain Dew

By Cornelius Pepperwood

Chillicothe citizens came to a vote last Thursday to take out the water in the pond at Yoctangee Park and replace it with Mountain Dew.

The sudden change to the park came about in a town hall meeting when citizens became aware that: why would one drink disgusting pond water when you can have the cold refreshing taste of Mountain Dew instead?

“I just think it’s the right move, ” Says John Yeatts, a citizen of chillicothe and frequent park visitor. “I mean, I walk around the park A LOT. Sometimes to look at the nature stuff, but mainly I play Pokémon Go and you can catch a Pikachu with a party hat there. So I get a little thirsty. It’d be nice to just dunk my head in a pond full of Mountain Dew. It would save on all the plastic water bottles I throw in there. Like the ads say—’Do the Dew’—so I’m doing the dewing here.”

There is some resistance though to this proposed change to the park. Local ‘Woo Girl’ and Lularoe seller Hailey Sams is leading the charge for the opposition. “Mountain Dew is gross. Like so gross. Why can’t we put something there that everyone likes? Like Bud light! We could have parties at the park! With loud music, Jell-O shots, and a t-shirt cannon! Could you imagine one of those cute little ducks with a bud light T shirt on? Totes adorbs!”

Since the sudden outcries of protest, another new law will be implemented that all the household water lines will be replaced with Busch Light. This change will happen later in the year.


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