by Stink Stack Beacon Staff
Earlier this week, a well-established prostitution ring was uncovered at the Valero on Bridge Street in Chillicothe.
“I drove by it every day on my way to work and hell, I thought they were just tryin’ to wash windshields for some extra cash,” Chillicothe Police Chief Keith Washburn commented. “I figured I’d stop in yesterday to get my winder [sic] wiped and the next thing I know she’s clawin’ at my bathing suit parts! I thought sweet Mother Mary, just what the darn heck is goin’ on here?!”
Washburn also wanted to stress that the department had still been recovering from their thorough patrolling of Pokémon Go’ers during the summer, and thus were caught-off guard by the discovery that there had been prostitution happening in our quaint little town.
“I just can’t believe it, everything seemed so hunky-dory downtown, I never would have thought this could happen here! When people kept asking me if I’d like an escort, I figured they were talking about a Ford Escort. Boy do I feel silly!” Giggles Chief Washburn
As the day progressed, the truth behind the “car wash” prostitution ring was revealed. It turns out that 81-year old Harold Ross, senior citizen and resident of Traditions Chillicothe, was the ringleader of the sinful troupe. In fear of losing his ‘Meals on Wheels’ service, Ross started a program called ‘Titties fo’ Fiddies’ to supplement his meager fixed income.