We’re just puzzled here. Local momtrepreneur and healing crystal advocate Tina Frankfurter posted a rather disturbing photo during our lunch break of her son and what looked either to be a mild case of poison ivy or a modern resurgence of smallpox.
“Okay Facebook friends! My 5 year old Earthwater has this weird rash and I’m not sure what it is!”
Local social media paramedics and even a few Google Doctorate Degree holders were quick to help.
“Have you tried an organic tea tree bath bomb?” asked Amy McNichols, who still believes vaccines cause autism despite an overwhelming lack of scientific evidence.
“Yep, tried that already!” replied Tina, the woman who knows everything except how to keep her child from contracting a disease long-thought eradicated.
“Hmmm, I’m not sure then!” Pseudo-Surgeon Amy responded, defeated.
“Maybe you should take him to the ER,” sane bystander Amanda Adams suggested.
“Yea great idea, let’s pump him full of chemicals,” Tina rebutted, condescendingly.
A new member joined the medical team.
“OMG, my daughter RiverSalamander had this same rash!” newcomer Sarah Newsome responded. “Just go and find the nearest FEMALE cedar tree. Remove the bark from the eastern side of the tree, and soak it in the urine of a 3-year old male white-tailed deer with two gay uncles. Then, wait for the next full moon. Write a note to the moon goddess Arah explaining that your son has a rash and that you think Mumford and Sons are one of the greatest musical acts of all time. Then, wrap the urine-soaked bark in the note, and bury it.”
“OMG, I’ll try that!!!” dipshit Tina responds enthusiastically.
“You have to be kidding me…” Amanda comments again, in an attempt to be some kind of twisted masochistic savior, “there is literally no scientific evidence to back up a single thing you just said.”
“Oh SCIENTISTS, the Big Pharma assholes who want to kill all of us with the GMO things and all the chemicals,” Tina responds, ironically via her iPhone.
Subscribe to the Stink Stack Beacon for updates on Earthwater’s condition. Or you can just go to Facebook because this Tina woman is still going on and on about it, oblivious that hydrocortisone cream exists.