Mummified remains of what appears to be a man from the late 1800s were found waiting in line at local establishment The Dock at Water.
According to archaeologists on the site, the man’s diary tells us he joined the line hoping to “procure a mug of ale” for himself and his friends.
The man, named Jedediah Whitcomb (or ‘Jed’ as he calls himself in the diary), writes of his listlessness and despair while waiting for a bartender to serve him:
“Ol’ Jed’s gettin thirsty,” he writes on February 23rd, 1892.
Other patrons see this as a foreboding sign for their own drink or dinner procurement. Local contractor and avid sparkly-jeans wearer Mike Albatross furrowed his brow when we told him the news. “Well dammit, I’ve been waiting for a bucket of Bud Light for a good while now. I guess I lost track of time. I s’pose I’m gonna have to pack ‘er up and head to Bub’s Timeout.”
We didn’t have the heart to tell him Bub’s had closed during his wait at The Dock, so instead we offered to buy him a drink, which we knew, would likely never come anyway.
Jed begins his visit to the Dock in a happy mood, but by day 27, reality begins to set in. “I’m starting to think this waiter forgot about me,” he writes.
A few days later he laments that his free popcorn supply is beginning to run low. “Just a few more kernels before Ol’ Jed’ll be chewin’ on his belt.”
By day 36, things got pretty dark as hunger pangs overtook Jedediah’s moral compass and a primal survival mindset took over. He wrote of a particularly plump server whom he considered “feasting upon.”
On day 38 Jed’s patience had finally ran out, and he asked for his 1800s deerskin debit card back so he could close his tab and head somewhere else. But by then it was too late, and during the several days it took for the bartender to return with his card, Jed finally succumbed to his extreme malnourishment and passed on.
In a tragic conclusion, Jed’s remains were discovered yesterday when he was finally asked what drink he’d be having.
Here at the Stink Stack Beacon this is Hank Spankler, drinking one for you, Ol’ Jed.