Chillicothe Man Sets New Speed Record for Solo Neighborhood Racing

By Chuck Meatfist

“It’s 1,100 feet and a cloud of dust, man. It’s a rush like no other.”

Chillicothe resident Tyler Austin Dakota took the solo stop-sign- to-stop- sign racing world by storm last
week when he set a new North American speed record in the neighborhood 87 grade fuel circuit.

“Church Street in Chillicothe is my favorite course, yo,” Tyler said, wiping off the last bit of Turtle Wax
from the after-market two-foot high blue fin mounted on the trunk of his mostly-red 2005 Dodge Neon.

“Rolling through the stop sign at Allen Avenue really allows you to pick up that extra two or three miles
per hour before screeching to a stop down at Arch Street,” he said. “I just know the retired people
working in their gardens and the elementary school kids playing in their front yards really look up to me
when I blow by them at 47 mph.”

Last Tuesday Tyler entered the record books when he made it to the end of the block after reaching a
mind-melting top speed of 51.

“I held off hitting the brakes until the last second,” he said. “I locked them up and damn near slid
through the intersection. It woulda been funny if I’d have crashed into that Tyler Memorial church, yo,
‘cause, like, it’s ‘Tyler’ Memorial and, like, I ain’t dead yet, bitch!”

Tyler added that it is especially tough racing on the neighborhood circuit because, as of yet, there still
isn’t any prize money.

“I’d love to get that cash, or at least a sponsorship from Midas on Bridge Street or something,” he said.
“Keeping my Neon in top shape ain’t easy. I haven’t even had a muffler since I bought my ride three
years ago.”

He has also been in the market for a new rear bumper after the bass bumping from an undecipherable
hip hop album rattled loose the bungee cord that was holding it on.

“That was a tough day,” Tyler recalled. “My bass hits so hard my car sounds like a giant iPhone set on

Still, he does enjoy the other perks that neighborhood racing provides.

“One day I was sitting in my front yard watching my baby play with my pitbull and I heard the loudest
sound ever,” said Bryttanyie Smith, Tyler’s latest boo. “I watched Tyler blow past my house doing at
least 15 miles over the speed limit. I tried my hardest to get my panties off to fling them in his direction
before he flew past.”

“Yeah,” Tyler added, “It’s true. Everyone think I’m the coolest. I even met Shaggy 2 Dope once.”


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