City to Hold Biweekly Cabbage Cook-offs as a Way for Citizens to Embrace Looming Stench

With temperatures on the rise, concerns of Chillicothe’s “bread and butter” smell are also on the upswing. After grappling with the problem for decades, city officials have put together a brilliant scheme to increase tourism, create a closer community, and hopefully get people more accustomed to the giant fart cloud descending on them.

The project, tentatively titled “Cabbage Summer,” is a multi level plan aimed at distracting the people from the figurative dutch oven stink hole that they feel trapped in. Phase one is a biweekly cabbage cook-off on the streets of down town for which they are considering forced participation. Think jury duty but instead of sitting in a courtroom you’re just boiling shit lettuce.

Phase two is a cabbage restaurant on South Paint Street possibly funded from the fines for refusing to participate in cabbage cook-offs.

Phase three is the mid July Cabbage Festival. It will be a week long steamy celebration of all things that smell a little off. Boiled lamb and chitlin booths are rumored to be present along with the star of the show, son of a bitch cabbage.

Some have applauded the city’s plan but opponents question the project.

“How could your solution to a bad smell be more bad smells?” Croaked an uptight middle aged woman that refused to be named.

“I swear if they try to make me boil cabbage, I’m gonna shit right in the street.!”

City officials have accepted her proposal.

See you all at the Cabbage Fest!

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