During any given year since 1984, springtime in Chillicothe brings flowers, sunshine, and cultural performances of ancient native american rituals during the Feast of the Flowering Moon. In 2017, that longstanding tradition will be washed away to the sewers with a flood of Faygo and broken dreams.
Feast spokesperson Annie Howerton cited budget cuts for this change:
“Listen, this stuff ain’t cheap anymore. Used to be we could give the performers a few beads and some trinkets. Now you have these damn unions. The Juggalos on the other hand, are perfectly content working for a dimebag of some shitty Mexican shwag and a couple of lukewarm 40s.”
Annie says the decision had been right in front of her for years. During 2015’s Feast, the first Juggalo Swamp Queen was crowned on the shore of Yoctangee lake. We’ve seen Juggalo weddings, Juggalo smokeouts, and of course that sweet, sweet Juggalo street justice.
All this as we stroll our children along the hallowed halls of fried confections and authentic Native American goods made in China. These sweet memories will now be made even sweeter, with the cold sugary splash of a Faygo brand Moon Mist soda.
We were lucky enough to attend a practice performance by the Juggalo dancers earlier this week. We found ourselves enveloped in a symphony of emotion: Clown makeup, wallet chains swinging like shiny metal streamers, a small glass pipe falling from the loose pocket of a pair of JNCO jeans, cries of WOOP WOOP! filling the evening air.
“It’s truly something to behold,” Annie commented. “We look forward to many more years of our new performers charming the citizens of Chillicothe with their traditions. Goodbye tomahawks, hello Hatchet Man! WOOP WOOP!”