Feast of the Flowering Moon Hires Juggalos to Replace Traditional Native Dancers

During any given year since 1984, springtime in Chillicothe brings flowers, sunshine, and cultural performances of ancient native american rituals during the Feast of the Flowering Moon. In 2017, that longstanding tradition will be washed away to the sewers with a flood of Faygo and broken dreams.

Feast spokesperson Annie Howerton cited budget cuts for this change:

“Listen, this stuff ain’t cheap anymore. Used to be we could give the performers a few beads and some trinkets. Now you have these damn unions. The Juggalos on the other hand, are perfectly content working for a dimebag of some shitty Mexican shwag and a couple of lukewarm 40s.”

Annie says the decision had been right in front of her for years. During 2015’s Feast, the first Juggalo Swamp Queen was crowned on the shore of Yoctangee lake. We’ve seen Juggalo weddings, Juggalo smokeouts, and of course that sweet, sweet Juggalo street justice.

Newlywed Juggalos: Stickyfingers Mike with his beautiful Juggalette bride Krusty Cindy

All this as we stroll our children along the hallowed halls of fried confections and authentic Native American goods made in China. These sweet memories will now be made even sweeter, with the cold sugary splash of a Faygo brand Moon Mist soda.

We were lucky enough to attend a practice performance by the Juggalo dancers earlier this week. We found ourselves enveloped in a symphony of emotion: Clown makeup, wallet chains swinging like shiny metal streamers, a small glass pipe falling from the loose pocket of a pair of JNCO jeans, cries of WOOP WOOP! filling the evening air.

“It’s truly something to behold,” Annie commented. “We look forward to many more years of our new performers charming the citizens of Chillicothe with their traditions. Goodbye tomahawks, hello Hatchet Man! WOOP WOOP!”


  1. Here I am … Living in NC… Missing the Feast. Dang.. the dance if the Juggalos. Sure replaced…”anything floats but a boat” race.
    Hate that I moved…

  2. This is completely freaking ridiculous. The whole story of the Feast is from our ancestors in which they come and perform their dances to tell their story. I have been to the Feast for 40 yrsand they have always been there. Now you want to take it away because the city doesn’t have the money for it and replace it with some people that paint their faces and by the pictures here do explicit things, and you want our children to see this. This is disgusting if you think this is ok. YOU HAVE RUINED THE FEAST !

    • The FFM website states it started in 1984 which makes the festival 33 years old. The festival was started to support the outdoor drama Tecumseh.

      From the website…

      Chillicothe, Ohio’s first capital city, is rich with Native American history. Historic, downtown Chillicothe and beautiful Yoctangee Park hosts the annual Feast of the Flowering Moon to celebrate the Native American heritage on Memorial Day weekend.

      The festival was started in 1984 by the Ross-Chillicothe Convention & Visitors Bureau as a way to help promote the city’s heritage and support “Tecumseh!” Outdoor Drama produced by The Scioto Society. In the early 1990s, festival organizers obtained their own 501(c)(3) tax exempt, non-profit status and has operated as an independent organization since. Although festival organizers continue to work closely and partner with both the Ross-Chillicothe Convention & Visitors Bureau and The Scioto Society.

    • Are your overalls so tight that it’s rerouting the blood to your hilljack brain? You’re the type of person that blows smoke out of your aftermarket exhaust on your oversized pickup hoping somebody asks you about your dick size, aren’t you? Read the Fucking article, it’s satire..(that means fake). You’re one load your mother should have swallowed.

  3. I can not believe people do not realize this is a joke. It’s a satire (fake news) article. There are tons of stink stack beacon articles. 😂

  4. We need more Juggalo’s. Juggalo’s have rights and they vote…maybe not on election day but they vote.Make Chillicothe the ” Juggalo Capital of the World.” Call your council member now…..or visit the local watering hole….thats where they hang.Remember we all most had a Juggalo as President…..thank-you I’m posting this for a friend.

  5. Love the fact that Lori is fighting the “good fight” trying to correct morons. Heads up Lori, jokes are funnier when you let them marinade. If only you knew a comedian to consult…

  6. Did it ever occur to any of you defenders of satire that the comments that you are so quick to ridicule may in fact be satire? How ironic that those who are supposedly in on the joke are the ones left out in the end.

  7. To be honest after what I saw of the dancers this year , we would have been better off with the juggalos. Even more so just pass on the feast altogether. So few vendors , so little to do .

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