City to Ban People from Naming Businesses “First Capital” and “Paper City”

The Downtown Business Bureau took a vote last Wednesday to ban naming future businesses with “Paper City” and “First Capital” in the title.

“It’s a solid move on our end. ” said Bill Duder, the president of the Bureau. “We currently have a stack of around 80 businesses waiting for us to give them the OK on their business name. Unfortunately, all of them have “Paper City” or “First Capital” in the name. Making it extremely difficult for us to give these places the go ahead.”

We sat down with Sally Tutors, who is in charge of going through all the pending businesses, and delved deeper into the cool new fad of this strange naming phenomenon.

“Here they are. All 80 pending business names that are super creative and super original,” Sally said with sarcastic air quotes.

“Here’s one: ‘Paper City Construction’…I mean, it sounds good. But wouldn’t you want to hire a construction company that sounds secure and solid? Paper implies that it sucks and can’t hold anything together. How about ‘Badass Concrete Construction’? I’d totally hire those guys.” Said Sally

We were amazed with how much time and effort goes into all of these name admissions.

“Here’s another one. First Capital Dildo Emporium.” Continued Sally. “It makes it seem like this town is the capital of dildo sales, which is completely not true. I think that title belongs to Circleville, but I could be wrong.

“They should call it ‘Diddle me this: The Dildo Emporium’ and have a off brand riddler called ‘The Diddler’ and he has a staff with a purple dildo on the tip. Ha! The tip. Oh, Sally. You really know how to let the jokes fly. But seriously. That would be a wayyy better name,” said Sally.

“It’s not that the names themselves are bad, it’s just that they’ve become so common and a tad overused. They are the ‘Wagon Wheel’ of business names,” said Bill Duder.

The change in the naming application will start at the end of Spring. The bureau urges those with the said names to begin thinking of new names.


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