Local PTA Group Pushes for School Closings At 45 Degrees

Being a school administrator, a seemingly thankless job, somehow just became more so. January, a month commonly known for sub-Siberian temperatures, has thrown a wrench into the well oiled machine of children’s education. Less than a week into 2018 it has proven nearly impossible to return to classes following the holiday break. An inch and a half of snow and persistent temperatures below 10 degrees has overjoyed children who hate school, and has horribly inconvenienced parents that can remember walking 20 miles to school, barefoot, in three foot of snow, carrying their two siblings.

“We walked to school in beaver pelt snow sandals and we all had to share one lump of coal!” -Local curmudgeon Larry “cold sore” Herpman.

So naturally to quiet the rumblings of parents upset over delays and closings the superintendent should just keep school in session, right?

Wrong. You couldn’t be more wrong.

In fact a local superintendent, following school policy and best judgement considering all factors, decided to keep school in session. The result was a shrieking tsunami of backlash from parents fearing 10 total minutes of discomfort between the front doors and the bus. While a few old school badass parents sided with the decision, the social media pitchfork mob is in an uproar. Some detractors had these hilarious things to say:

“It’s ridiculous to make kids stand out in the cold to wait for the bus for twenty minutes.”-Mother Goose who can’t time bus arrival.

“It’s a well known fact that children’s fingers freeze at forty degrees. Are we supposed to put gloves on all these kids? That’s like a million gloves!”-Lady using couch throw as a scarf.

“Cold weather is a result of chem-trails. Who wants their kid out in that?…Also vaccines cause autism.”-Concerned dad wearing an aluminum hat.

“Socks works as mittens but mittens don’t works as socks.”-Clearly single dad wearing pajamas.

“If global warming were real we wouldn’t have this problem.”-Guy in MAGA hat.

The wave of hysteria continues to devolve into complete madness from there.

Now a local PTA group has come together to call for a county wide school closing temperature. Not to be confused with any parent-teacher association, this PTA stands for “Parents of Tittybabies Association”.

The group has gained traction this week and is swelling like a frost bitten child’s toes with support after this recent cold snap. They are standing firmly for a 45 degree cut off for schools. Administration would be relieved of the catch-22 judgement decisions and kids can stay warm snuggled up to their iPads.

Could the greatest hurdle in children’s education really be some cold air? Or is this all just a bunch of hot air?

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