Ohio Congressman Brad Wenstrup just doesn’t understand why people think he has a dog in this fight.
“Listen, folks the thing to remember here is that dumping millions of gallons of nuclear sludge into Southern Ohio watersheds will do wonders for the economy. Basic statistical math tells us that when you wipe out a third of the poor people in your district with radiation poisoning and macabre disfigurations that eliminate their will to live, you see the overall income levels rise substantially.”
While we do agree that the math does in fact check out, it seems a little extreme to us here at the Stink Stack Beacon.
“Nobody loves poor people more than I do,” Wenstrup says as he takes a swig from a jewel-encrusted goblet filled with La Croix. “But numbers are numbers. And without all of the people in the lower tiers of our economy, we’d look a lot better in Daddy Portman’s eyes.”
When we reminded Wenstrup that this nuclear waste dump could potentially spread radioactive sludge through watersheds all the way south to Portsmouth, he reminded us that the environment itself doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.
“I’m sorry, did you say something about trees? Trees?! Listen pussy boy, wouldn’t you be willing to sacrifice a couple dandelions and a sycamore if it meant that we could create more menial labor jobs for our citizens? Hell I’d burn down all of the Hocking Hills if I could give six Ohioans good jobs shoveling up the ashes.”
We have to say, he made a great point. After all, we are all nothing but clueless peasants who would literally poison our own children if someone in a snazzy suit told us it would create jobs.
“Listen, I’ve done all I can to prove that I don’t have any bias in my decision to support dumping a bunch of radioactive waste in your backyards.”
We tried to push him further, but he was insistent.
“I have absolutely nothing to gain from this,” Congressman Wenstrup told us with a dismissive wave of his hand as he stepped into a brand-new Lamborghini laden with sponsorship logos.
Clearly this is satire. But seriously, this guy wants to put a nuclear waste dump in Piketon. Call your representatives!