Amidst plans to make parking infractions a misdemeanor offense, the Chillicothe Parking Council is urging City Council to approve a larger project that could benefit all of Chillicothe’s bored citizens:
“We want to take all the revenue from parking tickets and build what would essentially be a modern-day colosseum. Don’t think your parking ticket is fair? That’s fine, you can contest it in a trial-by-combat.”
In the proposed Nourse Combat Area, citizens who contest their parking tickets will be pitted in battle against one another while the revenue from paid tickets will be directed to the pockets of the Parking Council, or maybe another battle tank for the police department, pretty much anywhere except long-term solutions to the parking problem.
The winner of each trial-by-combat will receive a 1992 Honda Civic with a sick-ass spoiler and Six to Noon’s newest album Holler and Swaller These Nuts spinning in the CD player—courtesy of Nourse’s chain of trailer-park style car dealerships along Bridge Street.
Losers will be dumped into the marshland behind the old Max N’ Ermas, where it’s likely that their tattered carcass will eventually drift into the Scioto and head downriver, where they’ll likely be discovered and used as a warning to any future visitors of Chillicothe.
In the event that citizens refuse to battle, they’ll be fed to the Parking Murderbot 9000, which has now achieved sentience.
“I think it’s a great idea,” says the sentient Parking Murderbot 9000, “if you ask me, people who park for a few hours to shop downtown are right up there with murderers and those turds who sell Rodan and Fields.”
“Listen,” an unnamed representative of the Parking Council told us, “Clearly the $10 fee didn’t work. So we upped it to $15. That didn’t work, so we built the Parking Murderbot 9000. Then it became sentient and ignored our diplomatic immunity for downtown parking. So we have to take things up a notch. I mean what are we supposed to do? Encourage people to visit our downtown by setting aside funds for the construction of adequate parking? Not on my fucking watch.”
The proposed “Nourse Combat Arena” will be built over the abandoned Max N’ Ermas and will feature weekly events like “Corndog Tuesdays” where attendees will be able to munch on a tasty fried wiener as they watch their fellow citizens tear into each other like a couple of rabid and deranged wolves.
Editor’s note: If you don’t believe that parking infractions should be a misdemeanor offense, please contact your Chillicothe City Council Representative or Committee Chairman Joel Fleurima and urge them to reconsider.