On July 18th, 2018, in Chillicothe, Ohio, everyone was frothing at the mouth over a rare sight. Someone saw what appeared to be a black bear in northwest Ross County and white people lost their goddamned minds. Thinking this would be their chance to make their mark as an iPhone wildlife photographer, they hit the roads in search of the majestic beast. As the blurry and mostly faked pictures piled up on Facebook, a strange hysteria gripped the entire county.
Where will the bear go next?
According to the Ohio Department of Natural resources Game Warden, Willy Handler, bear sightings in Ross County are rare but not unheard of. When asked where the bear will head next he had this to say:
“Probably to the nearest trash pile, because it’s not a bear. What ya’ll got here is an oversized mutant raccoon. I’ve seen this hunnerds a’ times. Them little baby raccons get to drinkin’ that Glatfelter runoff in Paint Crick, ‘fore ya know it you got a big ol’ six hunnerd pound chemically-grown adult coon rootin’ around yer trash can for some old hot dog buns and nudie magazines.”
At this point I can see that Mr. Willy Handler’s eyes are bloodshot and I can smell whiskey on the air, so I move on. Is it possible that this creature is actually just a behemoth trash panda? Can this many people just see a bear through the power of suggestion? I next went to see hippie wildlife expert and tarot card reader Carrie Majunk, selling healing crystals out of a van in the park.
“It’s not a bear or a raccoon. It’s the great spirit changing forms to remind us all of our connections to the earth. The bear represents our power to destroy and the raccoon represents our love of the night. Both represent our love of eating garbage.”
Upon hearing this and buying a crystal or two I gave up my search for answers and took a moment to reflect. We may never know the truth. Though I’m almost sure that all of this is complete nonsense, a couple things are for certain.
No one’s trash cans are safe, and healing crystals don’t work.
Keep an eye on your picinic baskets and be safe out there.
Staff Writer, Stink Stack Beacon