In a shocking turn of events yesterday evening, City Hall was ransacked and taken over by a group of distraught mothers who had only one motive: To topple the regime responsible for not changing the date of Trick or Treat.
“We pleaded with the administration. We called. We sent angry emails. We shared the memes on Facebook, but the Mayor and his cronies didn’t do anything to help us poor parents. So we decided to take the fight to them.” Said Alpha Squad Leader Suzy Diaphragm.
The reason for the insurrection was that the Mayor and his administration did not change the date for Trick and Treat from Halloween to a different day due to rainy weather. The administration believed that since it would be fairly warm during the time of trick or treat, they thought that parents and children alike could brave a small shower. The outcry from the community proved that rational notion to be incredibly false.
“It’s suppose to be close to 70 degrees and rainy. If you think I’m going to allow my child to walk around in a little rain dressed as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Fuck, you are sadly mistaken.” Said local mother Sue Killjoy during the protest.
“THE MAYOR DOESNT CARE ABOUT OUR KIDSSSSSSSSS!” Hissed Suzy Diaphragm through a Darth Vader voice changer mask. “If the Mayor and his administration will not change the date of Trick or Treat because of rain, then we shall rain hellfire upon them! Onward Sisters!” Cried Diaphragm.
In a matter of seconds, hundreds of women clad in Lululemon leggings stormed the outer defenses of City Hall. They chucked Advocare bombs through the windows, while a few busted down the door with a decorative totem pole one of the mob members found on Etsy.
It only took a few short minutes before City Hall was ransacked. None were spared by the rebels. Bodies were strung about the place. Many branded on the forehead with the “It Works!” logo. Mayor Luke Feeney and a few of his staffers were able to escape the carnage.
“It was awful.” Replied one of the staffers. “They’re all on the Keto diet so they had us beat. Who knew taking away carbs from middle aged white women would make them so powerful?”
Mayor Feeney stood upon Carlisle Hill and gave a speech that ushered in a new wave of hope that Chillicothe citizens desperately needed.
“We will not let this day defeat us. We will let this day fuel us. They may have won the battle, but we we will this war. As your Lord Commander, I swear it.” Said Mayor Feeney proudly.
FEMA and the Red Cross are doing all they can to help victims who survived. All we can do is hope that this uprising can be quelled soon.