“Nourse Drops Western Avenue Plans and Eyes Old Indian Burial Ground for New Location”


Last Monday, Nourse Auto Mall announced that they will no longer be opening up a new location on Western Avenue but instead will be building a brand new car lot on Mound City.

“We got an insane amount of complaints from the citizens that we decided to nix it.” Says Jimmy Moneybags, PR Spokesperson for Nourse. “There are other options…and one of those options is that big ass field that is full of those little hills that look like cupcake titties.”

After the press conference, even more people stepped forward to voice their opinions on the lot location change. Many angrily confused on why Nourse would even think about doing so.

“Listen, we get it. This is a sacred site for the Native Americans that use to call this place home, but wouldn’t it be kickass if we had a brand new state of the art car lot just a couple miles from our other locations?” Says Moneybags as his pupils form into dollar signs.

“We just don’t understand why Nourse would do this.” Says Terry Sadsack, local complainer. “I mean wouldn’t the American thing to do would be to build the Raisin’ Canes location here instead? We have too many car lots and only one fried chicken place for God sakes!”

A recent poll finds that almost 75% of people are actually in favor of putting a Raisin’ Canes at Mound City, 5% for Nourse, and a surprising 20% for a strip club properly named “Mound City”

“The people of Chillicothe know deep down in their hearts that they need another car lot here in town. Where else are you going to buy a Dodge Neon with a spoiler? Hernnstein? Don’t make me laugh! I will, however, as a testament of good faith, hear out the folks of Mound City. Not those pussies from the National Park, but those folks who wanna put in the strip club. Now THATS a business venture.” Exclaimed Moneybags

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