by Mean Gene
In local news, Chillicothian Rim Renkins won a major victory this week after years of dedicated work.
Experts on the subject theorize that when Facebook was first released to college campuses in the early 2000s, someone, of course, was the first woman to post a photo on the online dating website. Within minutes of the posting, Rim was quick to comment on the photo—”Wow, stunning!”
Archaeological data tells us she probably either replied with a quick “Thanks!” or, more likely, didn’t respond respond altogether.
“I just knew if I kept at it, one day I’d meet my special princess,” Rim told us. He nods towards his arm-candy—”And ain’t she just pretty as a picture?”
“But Rim, that looks like it’s just a cardboard cutout of Caitlyn Jenner… like a literal picture that’s been blown up and affixed to cardboard.”
“They don’t mean that, baby,” he whispered to his 1/4″ thick girlfriend.
“Any advice for wannabe Casanovas out there?”
“Persistence, persistence, persistence. If you see a girl, any girl, let some sweet silky mouth magic slip off of your tongue like Nicholas Sparks with a 4-beer buzz. That sweet spot, baby. Tell ’em somethin smooth like butter, maybe “Wow!” or “Mmm, mmm, like to break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar!”
The Stink Stack News stresses that it does not support these comments, and would recommend sticking to age-old classics such as inviting her out for a shake or a malt at the diner or sending her a note asking her to go steady.
“The only thing steady here is the 6-ply base mount on my magic mama here,” Rim adds as a he pecks Cardboard Caitlyn on the cheek.