Bill Clinton to Return to Chillicothe to Retrieve Forgotten Wallet

By Cornelius Pepperwood

Former President Bill Clinton will be making a visit to Chillicothe next Monday to pick up the wallet he left by mistake when he was here last March.

“I got home last week from jamming with my band “The Sax Tax” when I realized I didn’t have my wallet. I went up to ol’ Hill-dawg, and asked her where it was. She said “Where was the last place you had it?” and I went “Hell, I don’t know.”

We sat down with Bill as he told us how he came to realize that his wallet was in Chillicothe.

“Once I knew my wallet was missing, I grabbed my coat and kissed my beloved Hill-dawg goodnight. She was in her pajamas which is just a beige pantsuit, and I whisked away into the night.” Said Clinton.

“I retraced my steps back to Philadelphia where the DNC took place. Remember all those badass balloons that fell down when Hill and I walked out? Well they were still lying there on the stage when I walked into the Wells Fargo Center. I laid down in that big ol’ pile of balloons and let them engulf me. Hoping that would spark my memory. Then it hit me. The only time I had THIS much fun was when I was in Chillicothe, Ohio. That’s when I knew where my wallet was.” Recalled Clinton in a wise tone.

President Clinton shared with us his travel plans to come back for his wallet along with why he had so much fun there.

“It’s a cool place, man.” Clinton described. “Everyone was super pumped to see me. I thought to myself “Man, this is what it must feel like to be Beyonce.” I remember walking downtown and stopping in front of that vape shop. I really wanted to buy me one of those things. Then I remember telling myself “Bill, you already used the whole “I didn’t inhale” excuse before and couldn’t really use that again.” So I decided to defeat temptation and walk on past. I’m pretty sure my wallet is still on that street corner.”

We asked him why he just doesn’t buy a new one, he laughed and said “Honestly, I could just buy a new one, but I’m really bored and wanted to get out of the house. My ticket stub from when I watched Star Wars: The Force Awakens is in there plus I’m literally one punch away from getting a free sub at Jimmy John’s. I’m not wasting all that hard work.”

President Bill Clinton will be arriving in town Monday afternoon. It is unseen how long he will be here, but Chillicothe will welcome him with open arms.

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