Man Lobbies to Replace Chillicothe Christmas Star with Totally Badass Nautical Star

By Hank Spankler

Local badass and all-around cool dude Brett Merkamp is lobbying local government to remove the traditional Christmas star overlooking Chillicothe with a considerably more bitchin’ nautical star.

“Listen bro, this shit’s been up on the hill since, like, my grandpa was a kid or whatever. Times are changing, man. We need to get with it.”

Merkamp takes a drag off a clove cigarette and then finishes off a tall, cold can of Monster energy drink.

“Plus I could show so many bitches my matching nautical star tattoos.”

He holds out his forearms, each with the most fucking awesome nautical star tattoos I’ve seen during my meager existence on this earth. “Wow,” I comment.

Merkamp reaches into the center console of his 1997 Honda Civic and pulls out a piece of notebook paper.

“Here’s the sketch I drew up.”

It’s a piece of paper with a poorly-drawn nautical star on it.

“Gnarly, right?!” He flips the clove cigarette on the ground and turns up his radio. “Fuck, I love this song bro.” Hinder’s Lips of an Angel blares through the cracked speakers.

“Yea, it’s pretty cool I guess.”

City Council, already facing intense local pressure over their decision to vote down a proposal for a Donnie Baker commemorative statue in front of the courthouse, is strongly considering the move.

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