For the last few years the City Run has been a fantastic way to raise money for different city projects. Stone bridge maintenance in Yoctangee Park, fourth of July fireworks, and sprucing up 2nd Street are all projects that the run has funded through the city parks department. This year, however, things have taken a turn for the dystopian, as the money is apparently set to be funneled into a state of the art children’s prison.
Rumor has it that the prison, deemed unnecessary and cruel by its opponents, is secretly already in place downtown disguised as a museum for affluent children in a building space formerly known as the Backstage. Everyone should remember the Backstage as the best place in town to dry hump bar skanks to Usher songs back in the day. It is also rumored that this influx of money from The City Run is a push by local businesses to create a prison work program as an avenue for cheap production of goods that they can still claim as locally sourced. While the plan’s detractors are crying out “child labor!”, it seems to be moving along with little resistance. Soon downtown shops will be filled with artisanal knickknacks crafted by sore little fingers that only require a lukewarm gruel twice a day and no more than five hours sleep.
But how difficult is it to keep a children’s prison full? It is very easy when the city is set to criminalize fidget spinners, having delinquent lunch accounts at school, and not finishing The City Run’s one mile fun. A city official denied these law changes but then gave a sly wink. It’s even more wildly rumored that overflow of child prisoners will be sent to work on a secret coffee bean plantation that is being set up to supply the growing number of hipster coffee shops in the downtown area.
“It’s really a win win.” Said a shady character that claimed to be affiliated with the project but refused to be named. “The children get to repay their debt to society, the citizens and visitors can buy all of the coffee mugs, plastic jewelry, and scarves they can stand, and local businesses can get their fair share. It worked really well in Lancaster at AHA! and we think it’ll do well here.”
The controversy will undoubtedly rage on and whatever will be will be. We here at the SSB just hope everyone has a safe and fun City Run on June 10th downtown.