Downtown Business Owners to Erect 200 ft wall to keep out Feast Goers



Downtown Business owners and the City Council met this past Monday to discuss the annual “Feast of the Flowering a Moon”. A festival that celebrates the Native American culture by selling corn dogs and plastic samurai swords. Normally, the festival is beloved by all in the community, but this year some people are wanting a change to help with the flow of traffic thru downtown areas.

“Every year we have the same problem: How can we keep all those crazy carnies out of our downtown during the Feast? This year we finally have settled on a solution. We are going to build a looming 200ft wall on the perimeter of Yoctangee to keep em contained.” Said Council President Bruce Arnold

When asked why such a severe action needs to be put in place Arnold simply replied “Walls work. Keeps my dog in the yard and other dogs from taking a big ol shitpiss on my freshly laid turf. Who’s to say the same idea can’t be implemented with those grease junkies?”

Other local business owners spoke out in favor of the wall.

Everybody likes the Feast and they like what it does for our town. What we don’t like are the people and how they talk, act, look, dress, and smell.” Said Danyelle Tucker owner of R Kitchen.

“I feel like they’re taking away from my business.” Says Sheldon Andrus owner of “OMG Rotisserie”. “I mean I’m not trying to sound mean or anything, but these guys are yucky and gross.”

We asked the Council and the business owners at the meeting how the wall would be implemented.

“We will bring in the feast workers a month before the festival and trick them into building the wall for us. When they are finished, we will simply lock them in and wait em out.” Said Tucker matter of factly.

Murmurs and whispers filled the council chambers. One frighten person cried out “What if they rebel? What if they stockpile all of their samurai swords and strike us down when we are not looking? Will Chillicothe be prepared for such an onslaught of Feast Beasts?”

“God Willing.” Andrus said with a hopeful grin.

Cheers and horns of triumphant filled the room as everyone lifted up their pewter goblets and chanted “Build that wall!” until the wee hours of the morning.

Construction on the wall is still in the works.


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