City Collectively Masturbates to Yet Another Chain Restaurant

Soon Chillicothe residents will be jamming their faces with glorified gas station chicken tenders. Raising Cane’s (oddly placed between two other places to get chicken tenders) has caused quite the buzz but a lot of folks are wanting to know, What are we getting next?”

If you ask any Tom, Dick, or Sally on the street, they all have a list of chain restaurants they would rather come to town. One might think that McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Burger King, Taco Bell, Subway, PennStation, Long John’s, Steak and Shake, Dairy Queen, White Castle, Panera, Five Guy’s, Domino’s, Papa John’s, Donato’s, Little Caesar’s, Pizza Hut, Arby’s, KFC, Rooster’s, Bdubs, Ihop, Bob Evan’s, Rally’s, Applebee’s, Long Horn, Red Lobster, Olive Garden, Tumbleweed, Golden Corral, Tim Horton’s, Moe’s, Chipotle, Jimmy John’s, Frisch’s, and Dakota’s would be enough options to keep a city of 22,000 people happy. One would be wrong. In fact there’s no shortage of wished-for chain restaurants.

“I was really hoping for a Chick-fil-A or maybe a Sbarro.” Says 1995 Toyota Corolla owner Tom Shatty, acknowledging that no one has eaten at a Sbarro in 20 years.

“A Ponderosa, Hometown Buffet, or a Shoney’s would do really well here.” Says octogenarian Dick Handler, oblivious or uncaring of the fact that two of these places were previously in town—one in almost the exact same spot as the looming Raising Cane’s.

“Can we get a Krispy Kreme?!?” Shouted Sally Ho before she was torn to pieces by an angry mob of Crispie Creme loyalists.

A recent survey has found that the main factor in the outrage and animosity toward the proliferation of Nourse dealerships isn’t that people don’t want Nourse cars. It’s not even the garish red and yellow, twelve dollar buildings on those locations. They are pissed because they believe those locations are better-suited for a Chili’s or a California Pizza Kitchen.

I reached out to Mayor Luke Feeney about his thoughts. Unfortunately, all he wanted to talk about was the importance of local original restaurants in an obvious display of textbook pandering. Good call.

While we all sit and dream of future places to sit and jam our necks once or twice to never return, we would do well to remember that the grass is always greener at Quizno’s but you’re eventually going to get tired of fifteen dollar subs. As the rumors roll in of a forthcoming Captain D’s, ask yourself how often you stop at the one in Circleville. Then ask yourself why it’s named like seaside club full of male strippers. Just some food for thought.

Happy eating, folks.


  1. I wanna Piggly Wiggly to come to town. I wanna buy a wiggly piggly super-stuffed, foot-long burrito/sub combo with fries and, of course, a diet Coke.

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