“Chillicothe to shut down roads and create longest “Lazy River” which will drop you off at each of the 7 Subway locations”

Chillicothe City Officials yesterday made the decision that they will be closing all roadways in the city to prepare to open up the largest “Lazy River” this side of the Appalachian Mountains.

“It’s been raining for what seems like god damn everrrrrrr and the flood wall isn’t going to be able to hold the Scioto, so we decided to say “Fuck it” and shut down the roads and go floating.” Says Parks and Recreation Director Bill Bonner.

The roads will shut down later this week and the city will be providing inner tubes at several drop in points around the city.

“It’s going to be so sick bruh.” Replied Bonner. “Everyone is going to be drinking Busch Lattes while jamming to some Kid Rock’s “All Summer Long”. We got a rope swing that’s going to hang from the courthouse so everyone can do some wicked gainers from it. It’s gonna be the hit of the summer.”

Along with the rope swing, the Lazy River will have way stations positioned at each of the 7 Subway locations.

“If there’s one thing we found out, it’s that there’s nothing more satisfying after a long day of floating than lunch meat that looks like it’s been sitting at the bottom of the Scioto itself.” Said Bonner as he put on a “Margaritaville” t-shirt.

Road closings will be happening at the end of this week.


  1. Finally!! Let me get some of those Naturday strawberry lemonades and gas station aviator glasses! #southernohiosummertime

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