Study shows 1000% increase in texting your ex during stay at home order

In these uncertain times we’re seeing many things we never thought we would. Bar and restaurant closings, social distancing, and a stay at home order has everyone on edge. While some of us have turned to nature or the arts to keep occupied, it seems most people have returned to the figurative ash tray to revive old flames. New data reveals that a troubling number of people have been reaching out to their exes with a “What’s up?” or a “Hey, how you been?” at an alarming rate. Typically done under the quise of concern, most cases are confirmed to be little more than booty calls.

We reached out to local behavioral scientist Dr. Etta Dick to get some insight.

“People are scared. Fear makes people super horny. A longing for companionship in such an unprecedented crisis can rebuild bridges that should now more than ever remain burned to the ground. Folks may even believe that they are just trying to be nice by checking in when they are actually subconsciously planting a seed for a booty call tree. The next thing they know they’ll be shaking that tree to see what falls out. Please remember to maintain your distance and sanity by using copious amounts of masturbation. Just don’t masturbate with hand sanitizer. Trust me, I’m totally a real person and a real doctor.”

Though we’re starting to think Dr. Etta Dick isn’t a real doctor or maybe even a real person, we believe we should all still follow this advice. Stay safe out there, kids. Maybe we all need a new hobby.

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